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i don’t really wanna write today, idk
i’m not feeling bad or anything, i;m not feeling not bad, i’m not feeling not good, i’m not feeling bleh
i’m just here. beeped up on a saturday
i guess i feel a bit sad because i didn’t meet my goals for the week
on the other hand, i feel quite good, because i got to meet up with a friend on friday and also that morning i had some fun with music visualizers. i just used someone’s dft library, i should implement it myself sometime cuz i’m not exactly sure how it works, but nevertheless i guess it makes me feel like it’s some more serious stuff than just the oscilloscopes that i often would have as the core effect in music visualization.
earlier in the week, i felt super happy about all the rain, we even lost power on thursday, which is a bit exciting. though it makes me sad that all the neighbors have loud backup generators so it’s not even like there’s any peace or stillness during power outage
and the other few days were alright too
but, i still didn’t reach my goals for the week, and that feels bad. also i think i’m a bit tired and all that crap too.
i think that for me, i don’t really care about the destination all that much. i very much enjoy vibing along the way. idk too dezizzed to access the thoughts inside my brain
something about self annihilation
i think earlier in the week, in a gamedev discord server there was a bit of drama about ai. i had the amazing quote: “given the opportunity, people will optimize the life out of life.” please clap. i think in superabundance 2 last spring, i was playing around with a conceptual framework i called “temporal expenditure theory,” which is basically just applying cs crap to life with deleuzoguattarian jargon. the idea basically goes: here i am. i can do something, or i can not. regardless, i accumulate temporality. when i do something, i acquire macrotemporality, and when i don’t, i build up microtemporality.
so here you are, your desk is cluttered. either you can clean it up, which requires taking several trips down the stairs (macrotemporality) or you can leave it be, which builds up microtemporality, causing future actions to take longer etc…
i use the example of a cluttered desk because cleaning my desk was a thing i did this week happily
of course it’s something everyone understands and it didn’t need to be put into words but that’s me :)
anyway, i was coming up with all these ideas about temporality and metabolism and congealed time-deposits and all that crap and then i started to realize of course that by itself, there’s an interesting thing happening where when you optimize your life, you then need to optimize the optimization, and then you need to optimize the optimization of the optimization etc…
probably never really going to make it around to reading land, but i’ve always assumed this is what is basically meant by nothing human makes it out of the near future. tet accounts for this btw, and i regret to inform you that tet is just capitalism.
do i care about the destination or not? how does it factor into this strange life that i find myself to be living?
the thoughts of self annihilation are the joy of losing sight of the destination and just being able to vibe along the way carefree. a schizo on a stroll.
at the same time, i think the last time i did weed, it was this past winter after i had gotten home from school, finals were going pretty poorly, here i was about to drop out, i had a film analysis thing to write on network that i was excited about doing but it was all just too much, far too much. so i got high and of course it was a mistake like it had been the last n times, and of course i was also able to instantly and easily step outside of myself and realize the simple thing that had been there the whole time like the last n times. in this case it was just the importance of a guiding ideology. the function of tet in a post-everything trans girl’s life in this timeline is for it to be some sorta overarching narrative that i can tie myself to so i can feel doing my laundry is actually radical maintenance labor instead of watching it all fall apart.
of course, the recognition of the importance of ideology comes too late and as i sobered the time sorcerer receded back into the fog, a rot princess in her place.
so, synthesizing:
a destination half in mind.
horror at the gap between here and there.
frantic scramble to annihilate the self through ceaseless acceleration.
superabundance, crashing up against one’s borders.
self-critique of ideology.
an aimless intermezzo.
a fanged noumena.
ꏍꏍꏍ
and now a friend informed me that my country is at war with iran :)
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been having that conversation back and forth which on its own accord landed on similar questions of morality and ideology.
them: i feel like we inherently latch onto narratives that flatter us really easily. and should be inherently suspect of any moral framework which allows one to continue doing what they’re doing with minimal moral discomfort
me: why
them: idk, to not be kinda assumes that you’re already morally near-perfect
me: should morality be discomforting?
them: yeag, everyone should probably strive to be more moral than they currently are, which probably necessitates some discomfort. or maybe this is me projecting cuz i feel weird that i eat meat
me: but you don’t not eat meat, so if the goal of morality is to be like a negative feedback that steers you towards being moral, it sounds like it failed
blah blah blah it’s late, we talk about nietszche, i post a great meme and with that johnny bravo thing “i’m good so whatever i decide to do is moral f—-t” and then everyone claps yeah yeah
its a nice narrative, and of course i’m skeptical of my own point that i made, because ok, yeah, when we are piloted by the fanged noumena the end result is either crashing into a concrete wall or annihilating the human or both, so maybe it is good to try and live by someone else’s code. or maybe there is a way to stay in the intermezzo before whatever and just be happy and chill. to be a go stone. of course, that also feels like a kind of self annihilation. a weird life that i find myself to be living. remember that you will die. plus you need to sleep a third of it.
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last week i did NOT meet my goals. i am gonna become like tcp algorithm steadily increasing my goals until they are too much, and then dropping them a bunch and then building them back up again in a nice sawtooth pattern. last week i made some stuff to store profiles in the database for xcvr, next week i will store my first profile record. status: “just setting up my xcvr”
rotpolitics now -rachel